Writing Effectively: A critique of the copy writing in the army recruitment page

Aside from competing in the worlds longest heading competition* this first lesson of our writing unit has us critiquing the text used in the army recruitment article located here.

We were given some standard questions to go over and instructed to post them here so here they are in no particular order:

1. Does the copy get to the point quickly?

It gets to the point that it's going to be hard, it starts off with a negative spin and then slowly works it into a positive. In a selling point of view it asks you to think hard in the first sentence which isn't an effective way to sell their careers and get people interested to join the army.

2. Is the copy shy about the offer or incentive?

Simply put, yes, it is shy about what it is offering. It only draws attention at one point to the incentives where with the use of bold text at the end of the first paragraph and even then the incentives aren't clear. If they had extended "Unlike any other job" to encompass more of that sentence it would be a bit more eye catching as a way to feed someone down the page, but that would imply the first sentence was effective in it's selling pitch. (Hint: It wasn't)

3. Is it easy to respond to?

No, most of the links buried in this page lead to preparation and other ancillary web pages that don't lead to any page where you can physically join up to the army. There is a link to a list of job listings on the army site but it's the start of a maze of links that isn't very clear.

4. Does the copy overcome every objection to replying, leaving the reader with no choice but to act?

This copy does the exact opposite of this, and instead does a fine job of instilling some doubt as to whether or not you would be a good fit for the army.

5. Does the copy use simple words?

This is actually something that it does do well, the language used is simple and easy to understand.

6. Does the copy use active language (does it address the site visitor as ‘you’)?

yes it does use active language in the way that it addresses the visitor.

7. Is the copy broken down into simple sections and bullet points?

No it is simply a written testimonial of a soldier and it bounces around the key points. It brings up the challenging aspect of the career every paragraph while bringing up the other points when it could have consolidated it a tiny bit.

Next post will be a write up of my own interpretation of the page aimed at selling the army lifestyle and careers in a way that would get people to actively enlist.

(*This entry was disqualified immediately on account of being too small)